The Atman Is Beyond Stain

"The Inner Self (Atman) is blissful because it is not stained by the mechanics and ruminations of time."

~Bhakti Brophy

Photo & post © 2015 Brophy

Who Are You?

In the last three weeks I have gone through two visits to the Emergency Room, a Cat Scan, an abdominal Ultrasound, and an Endoscopy (of my upper digestive system). I had such severe stomach spasms every single time I ate ANYTHING that, at times, my mother had to place ice on my back--at my request--while I sat crouched over in a fetal position crying, writhing in pain, and riffling off every single curse word I ever heard. I tried everything possible to find a comfortable position; there wasn't one. Even after all of these tests, and the visits to the ER (where they pumped me full of morphine and told me to take Percocet for the stomach pain), my doctors were still dumb-founded as to what was causing the severe pain and my inability to eat anything without the said pain. My gastroenterologist (whom I went to for the first time two weeks ago) kept saying that maybe the pain and spasms were from one of the medications that I am on for my spinal disease. I did my own research. I think he was right.

For the past 6 weeks or so, I have been taking a prescription drug that is supposed to ease nerve pain. The side effects that I found on WebMD lists severe stomach cramps (as well as a whole other host of side effects that I have but do not wish to share with the world on this blog). I have since been weened off of the drug, and I already notice that one of the most annoying side effects has disappeared.

So, for now, my life is fueled by Ensure and frozen yogurt. That's all I can eat without stomach spasms. I am hoping that by the time this prescription drug is fully out of my system that I will be back to normal and able to focus on getting my spinal disease under control (oh yes, I am still battling the chronic pain disease known as radiculopathy--remember that??).

The point of this post is not, as one might think, to complain, to ask for sympathy, or to depress my lovely readers. Here's what I am offering you today:
The severity of the pain that I experienced during the stomach spasms (and whatever else was going on) was beyond any amount of pain that I could ever imagine (and let's all remember that I have had over 12 surgeries and procedures in my life. In other words, I know pain). The beauty of all of this pain is that I was forced to enjoy the several hours of peace that I had in between the bouts of stomach induced pain. I made a conscious effort to find things to do that I loved during these several hours every day. As anyone who reads this blog religiously knows, I always tend to find the silver lining, but I'm talking about even more than that. I've learned so much more about life during these past three weeks than I ever imagined I could learn. I thought I had a pretty solid grasp of what happiness was, and how it is cultivated. These past three weeks literally taught me, first hand, that happiness lies nowhere else but within ourselves. That sounds elementary--and we've all heard it before, but believe me, when you are faced with chronic neck and arm pain and then, on top of that, are made to experience stomach pains that have you crying like a baby and writhing around on the floor, you are forced to face the reality that happiness must be cultivated from within. And, moreover, it doesn't take much at all to be happy. I'm talking about the purest form of happiness.

I'm not quite sure if I can put into words what I am trying to convey, because it was literally a very spiritual (personal) experience, and I'm not sure if anything so close to the Truth, as it were, can be put into words. But I can guarantee you that I am not the same person I was three weeks ago. I am stronger. I have more confindence. My faith has always been strong, but my confidence is bubbling over.

My wish is to share my gifts with the world (i.e. teaching meditation, working with gay youth, teaching writing, etc.). Going through such physical pain did something to me, and, like I've said before, I have been through my share of physical pain. The last three weeks have been unbelievably difficult. But I am stronger now.

Thank you for reading this long post.
(Please note: I have not yet had the chance to proof-read what I have written, so please excuse any typos, etc.)

With love,
Bhakti

Enter the Pain

You cannot run from pain. It's a futile endeavor that only leaves you wounded and cold. Pain is like a tick: it is not just going to decide to get up and leave your dog's backside; you have to get out the tweezers and pick the darn thing out. Moreover, don't do a half-assed job or there will be more hell to pay when the pain rears its ugly head again sometime in the near future.

Pain does not really have an 'ugly head'. We say that pain rears its ugly head simply because pain is (in most cases) not a pleasant experience. However, pain is just another emotional red flag, another physical or physiological function of the body to let us know that something ain't right!
This is true. Well, if you read the last post, you know that I have a beautiful relationship with my true Self, my essence. But, as a mere human who is not fully-realized, I also experience all five functions of Shiva (click here if you are not familiar with the five functions; if you have no idea what I'm talking about; if you once knew but have since forgotten; or if you merely want to read a post from my early archives. Whatever floats your boat keeps you afloat, and that's fine with me.)

?

Don't ask.

Getting back to my point, Shiva is the Creator, Sustainer, Destroyer, The One who veils us from the Truth, and the Bestower of Grace. These are his five functions. Thank God, I do not spend a lot of my time with the veil of ignorance over my head, so to speak. I am usually privy to the wondrous source of Bliss and Joy that is contained within the depths of my Heart Center. Yet, last night I had a terrible case of deception. I couldn't find my 'center' because I was too busy chasing my tail. I was so unbalanced that I didn't even realize that I was chasing my tail!

I let myself get a bit overwhelmed with my current situation (being out of work, my health, etc.). Rather than checking in to see how I was doing both physically and mentally, I kept pushing forward--knowing that I needed to meet certain deadlines and attend certain meetings that I wasn't looking forward to participating in. Lot's of anxiety was coming up. I could feel it brewing in the pit of my stomach. Nevertheless, I didn't stop to meditate, to figure out where I needed to be paying attention to the pent up tension in my body so that I could release it.

Well, last night I got totally overwhelmed. For the life of me, I could not find my center. This is a terribly awful place to be; especially when you KNOW that the current anxiety and tension is all a state of mind. Actually, it is all created by the mind, but takes on physical traits when not given attention at the onset. I cried a lot--which is actually a very important way to release toxins. However, I woke up with the pit of my stomach still tied into knots, and my chest was tight as hell.

I went for a walk this morning, and felt the onset of a panic attack. I felt sweaty and faint. Oh, man! I thought. How did I let myself get this out of control? I haven't had a panic attack in YEARS! I stopped exactly where I was on the sidewalk; listened to the voice in my head (You're going to faint! Better call someone!); then I turned around and took a shorter route home. I counted every step:

Inhale for four steps...1..2..3..4..

Hold breath for four steps...1..2..3..4..

Exhale for four steps...1..2..3..4...

Hold breath for four steps...1..2..3..4..
Repeat
After doing about three rounds of this walking meditation, I was feeling much better. You see, the reason I was getting the panic attack symptoms were because I was so anxious that I was holding my breath (or, at the most, I was taking shallow breaths). I walked through the parking lot of a local church, and thanked God for helping me. I turned around to take one more look at the church, and discovered the moon out in full daylight, seeminly hanging right above the cross. Om Guru Om!

After I ate my lunch, I emailed my friend Sally, just to tell her how I was feeling. I was sick of identifying with the physical body and the pain. She told me to love myself. This was profound. She also reminded me of a very simple meditation technique to release the anxiety--or any other junk that was stuck in my body. Of course, I followed her advice and had a wonderful meditation. At first it didn't feel too wonderful! I sat on my cushion, did my formal prayers, and then sat. I just sat and simply felt the state of my physical body. I was so tense! I focused on the parts of the body that were filled with tension, breathed into those areas, and then-- on the out-breath-- released the tension. I wondered how long it had been since I actually checked in to witness the state of my body and mind.
I ended up repeating one of my favorite mantras, too. I let myself sing the mantra in any way that felt appropriate. After about 75 minutes, I was totally in peace. I could feel 'Aum', the primordial sound, reverberating in my body as I sang the mantra.


In closing, I would like to offer you this: You can't run from your pain. You have to deal with it when it rears its beautiful head. Pain is an indication that something is a bit off. Something needs attention. It's very important to check in with ourselves to see how we are doing. And, as Sally says, we need to do this breathing out the tension meditation repeatedly.

I thank Sally for being there for me, and always offering me her love and support and her infinite wisdom. And I thank all of you who have offered your good wishes and prayers.

Namaste!
Bhakti

tags: jaibhakti, Sally Kempton, meditation, pain management, spirituality