JAI BHAKTI™ Blog: Tapas, Trust, And Grace

Dearest Ones,

I went through a period of profound purification caused by tapas (spiritual austerities) the past two months.

While we go through this heavy, dark period of angst and depression,

the mind is not fickle about helping us forget that the purifying aspects of tapas is not only a part of the 

spiritual journey,

but an essential clearing out of samskaras--old habits/tendencies etched in the fabric

of our subconscious minds.

In the midst of this round of purification,

the elephant I was wrestling in the dark was unadulterated fear.

Fear, in any form,  always comes back to fear of death. Always.

For me, it was not so much my own mortality I was fearing. I made peace with

my mortality years ago. I would have to in order to navigate my way through life

with these spinal cord injuries and severe nerve pain.

A decade ago I used to say I had no fear of death,

I only had fear of living the rest of my life

in this hellish pain.

I was not wrestling with fear of my own death, it was more a fear of those around me dying.

Not being physically able to care for myself compounded the angst. (It's not surprising to me that dealing with unadulterated fear was at the center of my tapasya. In the past ten months, 13 friends and family members have died. Yama's been a busy god of death in my area as of late.)

During the purifying process, we tend to feel once removed

from the Self within-- the Atman, our truest and highest Self (aka God, Pure Consciousness, insert your word of choice here ______).

It's not that we forget that the Self/God dwells within the Heart Center,

we simply cannot access this sanctuary freely. Our mind helps us forget the portals of entry, be it chanting, meditating, practicing hatha, kriya, or jnana yoga. We don't feel it's innate pull, the longing to get back. This causes more angst, and, as mentioned above,

the mind is not going to remind you how to access the Self within.

Ha! No.

The ego enjoys dragging us back down

to its state of ignorance.

It's at this time that some lose faith;

they feel forsaken.

It's at this time we must Trust.

If God, in the form of Pure Consciousness,

has created everything, everywhere,

how could God ever leave?

Where could he go that he is not already?

If God is everywhere,

within everything,

He cannot leave.

Hence, there is no "finding" God/The Self within and without,

only discovering and remembrance of That which always was present, even if we weren't.

Once we realize that our angst, depression, and heaviness of Heart

is a causal effect of tapas--

once we remember what we forgot (that we are the Self within),

we sometimes get angry at God for hiding His presence from us.

This is a good time to contemplate the word grace.

The Nataraj, the murti (sculpture) of Lord Shiva dancing while

crushing the ego under foot,

has a five-fold function,

one of them being the ability to veil Himself from us, and

another being the giver of grace that enables us to experience Him again.

At the moment we remember the Self within--

that glorious energy center within that sages, seers, and mystic poets

have aptly coined the ocean of bliss,

that is when we bow our heads below our Hearts

and say thank you. Thank you for taking us back to ourSelves.

As the residual ash of tapas disappears,

we find ourselves back in union with our true nature.

I experienced this today in the form of crying tears of joy

45 minutes into meditation.

I Witnessed myself not as my body,

but as the one who knows I have a body.

Not as the one who is in pain,

but as the one who knows I experience pain.

I became The Witness, experiencing pure awareness.

Jesus revealed Himself in my Heart Center,

along with Hanuman, Krshna, Bade Baba Nityananada, Baba Muktananda, Swami Chidvilasananda Paramahansa; all of the great bhaktas were dancing within,

reminding me they had never left,

but were only shadowed by the ignorance of the small mind.

And so I say Thank You

For showing me what I need to hold on to,

and what I can leave behind.

Thank you for this gift of tapas that felt like hell,

but left me stronger and wiser.

And perhaps chipped away at that pesky ego that keeps me bound.

So Much Love,

Bhakti

Namo Namah

Photo & Essay © 2015 D.L. Bhakti Brophy

All Rights Reserved. Jai Bhakti™

JAI BHAKTI™ BLOG: How I Type With Spine Injuries

One of my students asked if I use Dragon Software to type. No, actually, I don't have a computer.

I lie I bed and SWYPE everything from my phone!

Where there's a will...

Jaya!

Enter the Pain

You cannot run from pain. It's a futile endeavor that only leaves you wounded and cold. Pain is like a tick: it is not just going to decide to get up and leave your dog's backside; you have to get out the tweezers and pick the darn thing out. Moreover, don't do a half-assed job or there will be more hell to pay when the pain rears its ugly head again sometime in the near future.

Pain does not really have an 'ugly head'. We say that pain rears its ugly head simply because pain is (in most cases) not a pleasant experience. However, pain is just another emotional red flag, another physical or physiological function of the body to let us know that something ain't right!
This is true. Well, if you read the last post, you know that I have a beautiful relationship with my true Self, my essence. But, as a mere human who is not fully-realized, I also experience all five functions of Shiva (click here if you are not familiar with the five functions; if you have no idea what I'm talking about; if you once knew but have since forgotten; or if you merely want to read a post from my early archives. Whatever floats your boat keeps you afloat, and that's fine with me.)

?

Don't ask.

Getting back to my point, Shiva is the Creator, Sustainer, Destroyer, The One who veils us from the Truth, and the Bestower of Grace. These are his five functions. Thank God, I do not spend a lot of my time with the veil of ignorance over my head, so to speak. I am usually privy to the wondrous source of Bliss and Joy that is contained within the depths of my Heart Center. Yet, last night I had a terrible case of deception. I couldn't find my 'center' because I was too busy chasing my tail. I was so unbalanced that I didn't even realize that I was chasing my tail!

I let myself get a bit overwhelmed with my current situation (being out of work, my health, etc.). Rather than checking in to see how I was doing both physically and mentally, I kept pushing forward--knowing that I needed to meet certain deadlines and attend certain meetings that I wasn't looking forward to participating in. Lot's of anxiety was coming up. I could feel it brewing in the pit of my stomach. Nevertheless, I didn't stop to meditate, to figure out where I needed to be paying attention to the pent up tension in my body so that I could release it.

Well, last night I got totally overwhelmed. For the life of me, I could not find my center. This is a terribly awful place to be; especially when you KNOW that the current anxiety and tension is all a state of mind. Actually, it is all created by the mind, but takes on physical traits when not given attention at the onset. I cried a lot--which is actually a very important way to release toxins. However, I woke up with the pit of my stomach still tied into knots, and my chest was tight as hell.

I went for a walk this morning, and felt the onset of a panic attack. I felt sweaty and faint. Oh, man! I thought. How did I let myself get this out of control? I haven't had a panic attack in YEARS! I stopped exactly where I was on the sidewalk; listened to the voice in my head (You're going to faint! Better call someone!); then I turned around and took a shorter route home. I counted every step:

Inhale for four steps...1..2..3..4..

Hold breath for four steps...1..2..3..4..

Exhale for four steps...1..2..3..4...

Hold breath for four steps...1..2..3..4..
Repeat
After doing about three rounds of this walking meditation, I was feeling much better. You see, the reason I was getting the panic attack symptoms were because I was so anxious that I was holding my breath (or, at the most, I was taking shallow breaths). I walked through the parking lot of a local church, and thanked God for helping me. I turned around to take one more look at the church, and discovered the moon out in full daylight, seeminly hanging right above the cross. Om Guru Om!

After I ate my lunch, I emailed my friend Sally, just to tell her how I was feeling. I was sick of identifying with the physical body and the pain. She told me to love myself. This was profound. She also reminded me of a very simple meditation technique to release the anxiety--or any other junk that was stuck in my body. Of course, I followed her advice and had a wonderful meditation. At first it didn't feel too wonderful! I sat on my cushion, did my formal prayers, and then sat. I just sat and simply felt the state of my physical body. I was so tense! I focused on the parts of the body that were filled with tension, breathed into those areas, and then-- on the out-breath-- released the tension. I wondered how long it had been since I actually checked in to witness the state of my body and mind.
I ended up repeating one of my favorite mantras, too. I let myself sing the mantra in any way that felt appropriate. After about 75 minutes, I was totally in peace. I could feel 'Aum', the primordial sound, reverberating in my body as I sang the mantra.


In closing, I would like to offer you this: You can't run from your pain. You have to deal with it when it rears its beautiful head. Pain is an indication that something is a bit off. Something needs attention. It's very important to check in with ourselves to see how we are doing. And, as Sally says, we need to do this breathing out the tension meditation repeatedly.

I thank Sally for being there for me, and always offering me her love and support and her infinite wisdom. And I thank all of you who have offered your good wishes and prayers.

Namaste!
Bhakti

tags: jaibhakti, Sally Kempton, meditation, pain management, spirituality