JAI BHAKTI™ Blog: Tapas, Trust, And Grace

Dearest Ones,

I went through a period of profound purification caused by tapas (spiritual austerities) the past two months.

While we go through this heavy, dark period of angst and depression,

the mind is not fickle about helping us forget that the purifying aspects of tapas is not only a part of the 

spiritual journey,

but an essential clearing out of samskaras--old habits/tendencies etched in the fabric

of our subconscious minds.

In the midst of this round of purification,

the elephant I was wrestling in the dark was unadulterated fear.

Fear, in any form,  always comes back to fear of death. Always.

For me, it was not so much my own mortality I was fearing. I made peace with

my mortality years ago. I would have to in order to navigate my way through life

with these spinal cord injuries and severe nerve pain.

A decade ago I used to say I had no fear of death,

I only had fear of living the rest of my life

in this hellish pain.

I was not wrestling with fear of my own death, it was more a fear of those around me dying.

Not being physically able to care for myself compounded the angst. (It's not surprising to me that dealing with unadulterated fear was at the center of my tapasya. In the past ten months, 13 friends and family members have died. Yama's been a busy god of death in my area as of late.)

During the purifying process, we tend to feel once removed

from the Self within-- the Atman, our truest and highest Self (aka God, Pure Consciousness, insert your word of choice here ______).

It's not that we forget that the Self/God dwells within the Heart Center,

we simply cannot access this sanctuary freely. Our mind helps us forget the portals of entry, be it chanting, meditating, practicing hatha, kriya, or jnana yoga. We don't feel it's innate pull, the longing to get back. This causes more angst, and, as mentioned above,

the mind is not going to remind you how to access the Self within.

Ha! No.

The ego enjoys dragging us back down

to its state of ignorance.

It's at this time that some lose faith;

they feel forsaken.

It's at this time we must Trust.

If God, in the form of Pure Consciousness,

has created everything, everywhere,

how could God ever leave?

Where could he go that he is not already?

If God is everywhere,

within everything,

He cannot leave.

Hence, there is no "finding" God/The Self within and without,

only discovering and remembrance of That which always was present, even if we weren't.

Once we realize that our angst, depression, and heaviness of Heart

is a causal effect of tapas--

once we remember what we forgot (that we are the Self within),

we sometimes get angry at God for hiding His presence from us.

This is a good time to contemplate the word grace.

The Nataraj, the murti (sculpture) of Lord Shiva dancing while

crushing the ego under foot,

has a five-fold function,

one of them being the ability to veil Himself from us, and

another being the giver of grace that enables us to experience Him again.

At the moment we remember the Self within--

that glorious energy center within that sages, seers, and mystic poets

have aptly coined the ocean of bliss,

that is when we bow our heads below our Hearts

and say thank you. Thank you for taking us back to ourSelves.

As the residual ash of tapas disappears,

we find ourselves back in union with our true nature.

I experienced this today in the form of crying tears of joy

45 minutes into meditation.

I Witnessed myself not as my body,

but as the one who knows I have a body.

Not as the one who is in pain,

but as the one who knows I experience pain.

I became The Witness, experiencing pure awareness.

Jesus revealed Himself in my Heart Center,

along with Hanuman, Krshna, Bade Baba Nityananada, Baba Muktananda, Swami Chidvilasananda Paramahansa; all of the great bhaktas were dancing within,

reminding me they had never left,

but were only shadowed by the ignorance of the small mind.

And so I say Thank You

For showing me what I need to hold on to,

and what I can leave behind.

Thank you for this gift of tapas that felt like hell,

but left me stronger and wiser.

And perhaps chipped away at that pesky ego that keeps me bound.

So Much Love,

Bhakti

Namo Namah

Photo & Essay © 2015 D.L. Bhakti Brophy

All Rights Reserved. Jai Bhakti™

AWARENESS

Excerpt from my latest essay. © 2015 DL Bhakti Brophy

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LIVE TODAY!

Life is short.
Live today.

~ Bhakti Brophy


As a person with four incurable spinal diseases, living on borrowed time (10 years now), I cannot stress the importance of grabbing life by the reins and forging ahead.

Let no one drag you down.
Let no one crush your spirit.

And if you should fall asunder,
Get back back up
And claim the glory that is
And always has been yours.

The Self within shines as bright as the sun
Whether or not you can see,
Sense, or acknowledge her existence.

The Self is innate
All powerful
Omniscient
And infinitely glorious...

And you are That.

Namo Namah!

Bhakti

BHAKTI BROPHY QUOTE #0.1 "THE CIRCLE"

"Every one of us is the center of the circle." 

~ Bhakti Brophy





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JAI BHAKTI™ BLOG: I KNOW THAT ALREADY!

As mentioned before, I'm taking this wonderful class with my beloved friend Sally Kempton and we're studying texts and concepts I've been working with for well over a decade-- VASHISTA'S YOGA, meditation on Pure Consciousness Awareness, non duality vs duality (I've reached a point where I see absolutely no difference between non duality and duality. At some point we all do, but that's for another time). Two of the passages we are to contemplate are actually the two major concepts at the core of my practice. So, when I sat (reclined) to work with them, my mind kept saying, "I know that already."

When we first met, Sally (going by the monastic name Swami Durgananda at the time) shared a wonderful story with me: her Guru told her to read a particular book and, upon handing her the book, her Guru said, "And don't tell me you know this already." Sally took the book and said, "But I do know this already!" One of my favorite stories! The Guru put Sally's ego in check, as any true Guru does with love for the devotee in his or her Heart. Sally reported that indeed she did have many wonderful new insights upon rereading the book.

I can't recall a time my mind has ever said "I know that already", with regard to spiritual practices. I know there are hundreds of layers to every teaching and I'm always enthusiastic about peeling away these layers and discovering new, deeper truths and meanings. However, this time, whenever I made the intention to work with the assigned passages, my mind kept shutting me down, "I know that already." So I countered my own thought with, "Bullshit. There are so many layers. Look at it from a new perspective."

Same response: "I know this already. These have been my core practices for over 12 years."

Even just reading the passages put me into the most serene meditation on pure awareness. Isn't that the purpose of a dharana technique after all? There arose another conflict: Work with the thought "I know that already" or simply bask in the sweet expansiveness of pure awareness?

I could have continued to sit with the blissful experience of satchittananda, but it wasn't sitting well with me that my mind was convinced "I know this already".  I turned that thought in on itself and contemplated what it means to believe "I know that already" with regard to these teachings.

(Note: If you've been following me on Twitter this month, you'll find several of the teachings on my feed: VASHISTA'S YOGA, On Creation. I didn't know Sally was going to teach these passages in her workshop, but upon reflection, it makes perfect sense, as they are the ones that always resonated most in the beginning of the book, and they are the core teachings of every spiritual teacher/saint/sage I have been studying for the past 26 years.)

I thought of Adi Shankara's beautiful commentary that gold jewelry was at first pure gold, is still pure gold even as a piece of jewelry, and will continue to be pure gold after it is melted down. I then reread the passage by Vashista stating the same metaphor for all that exists. I then said to myself, "I know this already", dropped the question What does it mean to know this already? into my consciousness, and sat in contemplation.

Sometimes when practicing contemplation it can take anywhere from a few seconds to several months for the answers to arise from within. The key is to not force anything, but to sit for awhile, and then get up and go about your life, trusting your intuition to reveal the answer at the appropriate time. (One or two contemplation sessions is enough for the answer to arise; be patient and "don't push the river!")

In today's contemplation, the answer was spontaneous. Here's what bubbled up to the surface from within: 

"If you knew this already you wouldn't still be bound (by thoughts), jackass."


Hahaha! I will admit, this is the first time I've ever received an intuitive response where I've been called a jackass, but truly, jackass is the perfect word to describe a mind that insists, "I know that already." My Inner Guru put my ego in check! Reminds me of Baba Muktananda's famous quote regarding ashram etiquette:  Leave your ego at the door.

Contemplation is brilliant because you get to the Truth and, like today, you kick your own mind's ass. (It is important as a sadhaka to be friends with your mind and remember that the mind is not the enemy. However, it's also important to put it in its place when necessary!)

In this post I hope to illustrate the importance of questioning your thoughts. Questioning your mind. Yes, I am familiar with the passages we are studying, I have worked with them extensively for over 12 years, discovering them in various forms from a multitude of teachers from many different paths. I also instinctively knew that there were more layers and a fresh perspective that could be found if I dug deep enough (the new perspective is fascinating--I will write about that in a future post). I wouldn't have found that perspective if I hadn't done contemplation.

Sally herself told me that having the thought "I know that already" is one of the greatest hindrances to growth. Indeed!

Not only has today's contemplation opened my eyes to many new ways of working with the spiritual Truths we are working with in Sally's class, but in the end I discovered--

There is a difference between knowing and realizing. Even in the context of experiential knowing.


Jai Bhakti!
Much Love to You All.


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