Who Are You?
In the last three weeks I have gone through two visits to the Emergency Room, a Cat Scan, an abdominal Ultrasound, and an Endoscopy (of my upper digestive system). I had such severe stomach spasms every single time I ate ANYTHING that, at times, my mother had to place ice on my back--at my request--while I sat crouched over in a fetal position crying, writhing in pain, and riffling off every single curse word I ever heard. I tried everything possible to find a comfortable position; there wasn't one. Even after all of these tests, and the visits to the ER (where they pumped me full of morphine and told me to take Percocet for the stomach pain), my doctors were still dumb-founded as to what was causing the severe pain and my inability to eat anything without the said pain. My gastroenterologist (whom I went to for the first time two weeks ago) kept saying that maybe the pain and spasms were from one of the medications that I am on for my spinal disease. I did my own research. I think he was right.
For the past 6 weeks or so, I have been taking a prescription drug that is supposed to ease nerve pain. The side effects that I found on WebMD lists severe stomach cramps (as well as a whole other host of side effects that I have but do not wish to share with the world on this blog). I have since been weened off of the drug, and I already notice that one of the most annoying side effects has disappeared.
So, for now, my life is fueled by Ensure and frozen yogurt. That's all I can eat without stomach spasms. I am hoping that by the time this prescription drug is fully out of my system that I will be back to normal and able to focus on getting my spinal disease under control (oh yes, I am still battling the chronic pain disease known as radiculopathy--remember that??).
The point of this post is not, as one might think, to complain, to ask for sympathy, or to depress my lovely readers. Here's what I am offering you today:
The severity of the pain that I experienced during the stomach spasms (and whatever else was going on) was beyond any amount of pain that I could ever imagine (and let's all remember that I have had over 12 surgeries and procedures in my life. In other words, I know pain). The beauty of all of this pain is that I was forced to enjoy the several hours of peace that I had in between the bouts of stomach induced pain. I made a conscious effort to find things to do that I loved during these several hours every day. As anyone who reads this blog religiously knows, I always tend to find the silver lining, but I'm talking about even more than that. I've learned so much more about life during these past three weeks than I ever imagined I could learn. I thought I had a pretty solid grasp of what happiness was, and how it is cultivated. These past three weeks literally taught me, first hand, that happiness lies nowhere else but within ourselves. That sounds elementary--and we've all heard it before, but believe me, when you are faced with chronic neck and arm pain and then, on top of that, are made to experience stomach pains that have you crying like a baby and writhing around on the floor, you are forced to face the reality that happiness must be cultivated from within. And, moreover, it doesn't take much at all to be happy. I'm talking about the purest form of happiness.
I'm not quite sure if I can put into words what I am trying to convey, because it was literally a very spiritual (personal) experience, and I'm not sure if anything so close to the Truth, as it were, can be put into words. But I can guarantee you that I am not the same person I was three weeks ago. I am stronger. I have more confindence. My faith has always been strong, but my confidence is bubbling over.
My wish is to share my gifts with the world (i.e. teaching meditation, working with gay youth, teaching writing, etc.). Going through such physical pain did something to me, and, like I've said before, I have been through my share of physical pain. The last three weeks have been unbelievably difficult. But I am stronger now.
Thank you for reading this long post.
(Please note: I have not yet had the chance to proof-read what I have written, so please excuse any typos, etc.)
With love,
Bhakti
For the past 6 weeks or so, I have been taking a prescription drug that is supposed to ease nerve pain. The side effects that I found on WebMD lists severe stomach cramps (as well as a whole other host of side effects that I have but do not wish to share with the world on this blog). I have since been weened off of the drug, and I already notice that one of the most annoying side effects has disappeared.
So, for now, my life is fueled by Ensure and frozen yogurt. That's all I can eat without stomach spasms. I am hoping that by the time this prescription drug is fully out of my system that I will be back to normal and able to focus on getting my spinal disease under control (oh yes, I am still battling the chronic pain disease known as radiculopathy--remember that??).
The point of this post is not, as one might think, to complain, to ask for sympathy, or to depress my lovely readers. Here's what I am offering you today:
The severity of the pain that I experienced during the stomach spasms (and whatever else was going on) was beyond any amount of pain that I could ever imagine (and let's all remember that I have had over 12 surgeries and procedures in my life. In other words, I know pain). The beauty of all of this pain is that I was forced to enjoy the several hours of peace that I had in between the bouts of stomach induced pain. I made a conscious effort to find things to do that I loved during these several hours every day. As anyone who reads this blog religiously knows, I always tend to find the silver lining, but I'm talking about even more than that. I've learned so much more about life during these past three weeks than I ever imagined I could learn. I thought I had a pretty solid grasp of what happiness was, and how it is cultivated. These past three weeks literally taught me, first hand, that happiness lies nowhere else but within ourselves. That sounds elementary--and we've all heard it before, but believe me, when you are faced with chronic neck and arm pain and then, on top of that, are made to experience stomach pains that have you crying like a baby and writhing around on the floor, you are forced to face the reality that happiness must be cultivated from within. And, moreover, it doesn't take much at all to be happy. I'm talking about the purest form of happiness.
I'm not quite sure if I can put into words what I am trying to convey, because it was literally a very spiritual (personal) experience, and I'm not sure if anything so close to the Truth, as it were, can be put into words. But I can guarantee you that I am not the same person I was three weeks ago. I am stronger. I have more confindence. My faith has always been strong, but my confidence is bubbling over.
My wish is to share my gifts with the world (i.e. teaching meditation, working with gay youth, teaching writing, etc.). Going through such physical pain did something to me, and, like I've said before, I have been through my share of physical pain. The last three weeks have been unbelievably difficult. But I am stronger now.
Thank you for reading this long post.
(Please note: I have not yet had the chance to proof-read what I have written, so please excuse any typos, etc.)
With love,
Bhakti
Labels: @BhaktiBrophy, Atman, Bhakti Brophy, bliss, Brahman, chronic illness, Jai Bhakti, jaibhakti, mysticism, pain, satchitananda, spirituality, temporal being, the Inner Self, transcendence, union, yoga
posted by Unknown at 12:28 PM
7 Happy Thoughts
