How Am I Feeling??

Lots of you have so graciously been asking how I am feeling. Let me give you some background info: January was hell month. Literally. I hope that by my experiencing the pain that I felt in January that no one else will have to feel that kind of pain. That's a Buddhist tonglen meditation, and I hope it rings true.

Right now, I don't necessarily feel better physically, but my mental outlook has changed. The condition that I am left with after my spinal fusion is called neuropathy. It's root is at the C6 nerve root. It is a painful condition that is not curable, only treatable; i.e. the doctors will do the best that they can to help me live and deal with the pain.

I have an incredible outlook on life, and a great spirit. Couple that with an incredible family and a wonderful sense of humor, and I think I have all of the makings of someone who will beat this thing; or at least not let it ruin my life. I am, by nature, a very loving, giving person. I am also, by nature, someone who loves to laugh and smile. I will not let this neuropath condition change my outlook on life. In fact, it has only managed to strengthen my faith in everything that I love.


As you can see from the pictures that I have been posting lately, I have been looking for things of beauty that are very close to me, that I may have overlooked in the past. For example, the foggy night pictures. I was in awe of the beauty of that evening. (By the way, I have been posting pictures lately because it hurts too much for me to type right now. I am typing right now because I had another epidural injection this morning and am still feeling the beautiful effects of the Novocain and anesthesia.)


So, in answer to your questions about how I am feeling, well, I am still in physical pain. I am not back to work yet. However, as I stated above, my mental outlook on the situation is positive. You know, we always have a choice. I couldn't possibly change the physical condition that I am in today, but I definitely have a choice as to whether I am going to let it ruin my day or just accept it for what it is and then try to make the best of my day regardless. I choose the latter over the former: especially after learning that the pain(s) I am experiencing are due to nerve disease and, again, is not curable.


I love life. I love humor. I love learning. I love the sun, the moon, the Earth, and the sky. I love this world. I love my cat...my precious little angel. I love and thank God for my family and my friends. Everyone should be so blessed as to have a cousin as terrific as Cousin Chrissy (A.K.A. "CC") and a mom and dad and brothers and sister-in-laws as INCREDIBLE as I have been blessed with.


I also love all of you. I do. I can't thank all of you, my blogger buddies, enough, who have been such a source of joy and pleasure for me while going through this physical-health roller coaster for the past seven months.


I particularly wish to thank Gyrobo and Flatlander for ALWAYS making me laugh. Sometimes, when I was in too much pain to type, I would still look at other's blogs, and these two guys always brought a smile to my face. I don't know either of you personally, but I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, that you have filled my life with so much joy that I shall cherish you forever.


Also, a big hug to Miladysa--who went through a similar situation over the past several months. Thank you sweetie---big, big hugs for your love and support. To everyone who reads and comments on this blog--thank you dearly for filling my life with your presence and happy wishes. I appreciate all of you. I truly do.


To answer your question--"How are you doing, Bhakti?" Well, I may be in tremendous physical pain, but that is no matter. I have so much love in my heart. I will get through this. And I thank you all for keeping my spirits high.


Lots of love and all great blessings, Bhakti


PS I've been experimenting with self portraits lately. :)

tag: jaibhakti, photography