Sunday, May 07, 2006
We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.
-George Bernard Shaw
No, I couldn't have said it better myself. We learn nothing from history. All we learn from history is to keep looking back to predict what will be. There is no 'what will be''; it's totally out of our control. I'm not talking about the absence of free will, it's just that, well, shit happens.
Lately, I'd been pushing my emotions away: Not dealing with anymore fear! Not dealing with any more pain! Not dealing with any more anger! Etc. Etc. However, that approach didn't work for me. Ultimately, I ended up crashing hard just in order to face the reality that was at hand.
My good friend Sally said to me something along the line that if you try to escape there is no escaping. That is SO true. I knew it was true with relation to emotional pain, but I didn't know it was true for physical pain as well. WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT??? you may be asking at this point. Well, what I'm talking about is rather than running away from the physical and mental pain that I have been going through lately, I learned that hard way that it is much easier and much more beneficial to just stare the pain right in the face, with a loving eye. No more running from the pain. Accepting, acknowledging, labeling, and then ultimately letting go of the resistance to pain is the only way to go about freeing myself from the pain.
I knew this before! I mean, I wrote an essay called Enter the Pain just a couple of months ago; but as the pain worsened the months went on, somehow I got into the habit of running from the pain--of creating diversions (TV, books, crushes on people I can't have, etc.). I didn't even realize I was copping out of the 'fight' until my meditation teacher/friend Sally told me to face the fears dead on. So I bit the bullet and began my regular meditation practice again. The result so far is that I've realized that I had reached an edge. When I was at what Pema Chodron calls the 'groundless' stage, I realized that there was no where else to hide. Nothing that I was doing was working. At the worst point in this running away charade I actually felt like I was leaning forward to get away from my mind and my body! No joke. Sounds crazy, but it's not. It was at that point that I began to ask for help. And it was at that point that I became so incredibly angry at my entire situation (chronic pain syndrome, radiculopathy, limited mobility for the past 9 months, and then having to resign from my teaching position) that I was able to move to a different stage. I cried out my anger. I acknowledged the pain. The fear. The anxiety. And, most importantly, the undying love that is still at my core. I realized that there is no fight, there is only acknowledgment and acceptance.
Why am I telling you all of this? For many reasons.
One: because I love my blog readers. I miss you and I want you to know that I miss you.
Two: I just wanted to convey that I had reached a really depressing stage in my recovery from this spinal surgery and its peripheral complications--yet, now I am beginning to see that perhaps hitting this dark space was very important so that I could make room for some light. It's all a part of my journey, and I thank GOD that I have such an incredible support system to help keep me on track!
Three: I finally felt like bloggin. :)
Thank you for listening. Thanks for you prayers and lovely comments.