OM SHREE SHREE GURUMAYI...JAYA!
Sadhana of the Heart, Vol. I, pg. 162
To see everyone, everywhere as a manifestation of Divinity is a rare gift. For this gift, I thank my Beloved Jesus Christ, the Light Within, and my physical spiritual teacher, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, for giving me the key-- for showing me that I am the Guru I have been searching for; I am That, the Self. She is the manifestation of the Self--showing me my Truth. It is only with this supreme knowledge, and through this gift of knowing the Truth that I have been able to get through the past two years of "hell". Even while going through my darkest times, through the worst physical pain and mental anguish, it is the knowledge of the Truth that has made it possible for me to go on. It is my knowledge of how precious this very life is that carries me through the darkness, even when "I" can not see the light. I know it's there. 'IT' is always present; the Self, the Guru within and without, is always present--even when our minds cannot perceive this notion; even when we feel as though we have sunk so low that we feel we have lost everything we have ever worked for (spiritually speaking), the Light is shining.
When I feel I can no longer live with the physical pain and mental anguish caused by the level of pain I am in, there is always something that gets me through those incredibly dark, wretched times. That 'something' is the Light Within. That something is the knowledge that EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE is of a divine nature. Yes, EVERYTHING. I recall that even my worst feelings and emotions, and the darkest places in my psyche are a manifestation of pure consciousness. Nothing exists that is not God.
As the Hindus say: 'Nothing exists that is not Shiva'.
In the New Testament John proclaims that Jesus was made before him, even though he is IN him!
The Creator is the Created, and vice-versa. (Take a breath and chew on that one for awhile--it does make sense, I promise!)
Yes, that is the key.
I have been struggling--REALLY struggling--these past few months with issues of life vs. death. How is one to live with this amount of pain? And worst still, how am I supposed to live with the knowledge that my disability is taking a toll on my mother?
The answer, my friends, is recognition that all is Divine! Once experienced, it's a simple recognition; it's like riding a bicycle. The problem occurs in remembrance, i.e. 'how to remember this while in the throws of despair?' Not such and easy task!
When I'm in a deep, dark hole (created by my mind no longer being able to handle the level of physical pain--coupled with the toxicity of the meds I'm on), I find it virtually impossible to remember that this, too, is Shiva. This too is a manifestation of God. It's all good! Even the 'bad' is good. Actually, if we take the concept of 'good' and 'bad' out of everything, we are left with simple 'being'. (And I very graciously thank Master Dr. Yuen for reminding me of this TRUTH.)
In short, I have not been posting on this blog for some time now for the simple reason that I had nothing inspiring to write. I was loathe to write about my struggles with keeping my head above the water. My journey since last November's surgery has been brutal: the greatest thing I've learned is that I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. If people don't want to be supportive of my condition, that's their decision, that's their choice, that's their prerogative. It's also MY prerogative to focus on the good--to focus on the people who actually take an interest in helping me survive. People who are willing to admit that one of their loved ones is suffering and that I need their help, rather than making every excuse in the book to run the other way.
The truth is, I have PLENTY of supportive, loving people in my life. The problem used to be that I spent so much energy trying to get the people who DIDN'T understand,-- and who DIDN'T want to help me-- to understand what I'm going through, and I wasn't focusing on the people who ARE here for me, who ARE helping me.
I was taking care of some online business when I came across the above quote--and that's when remembrance hit me. The question of life vs. death is no longer going to be in my vocabulary. (When did that question even enter my vocabulary? I'm the one of the most positive people I've ever met. I know the answer to that question: the level of pain mixed with the high level of pain medications.) This life IS a gift. I have been to the darkest caverns of my soul--to the darkest corners of my mind--and I've survived. I will continue to survive.
I spent the past three weeks withdrawing from 1/3 of the total amount of Oxycontin that I take for my pain. This has been a hellish experience, to say the least. I have experienced hell in all of it's forms since July 29, 2005, when my neck decided to fall apart; however, trying to lower the dosage of Oxycontin was hell: shaking, irritability, restlessness, loose bowels (eww! but true!), insomnia, crying, and more shaking. I reached a point where I had to admit that I am no longer living for myself; I am alive for the sake of my mom and dad; for my nieces and nephews, etc. What is the purpose of experiencing all of this pain, day in and day out? That's the conclusion that I drew last week. That's a terribly low place to be.
I don't think it's hard to imagine how this could wear a person down--two years of third-degree-burn-like sensations going down your left arm, into the wrist, and palm, through the middle and ring fingers; going down your back into both shoulder blades. Etc. You've heard it all before.
But the answer to my question is simple. And, of course, my Beloved Gurumayi Chidvilasananda revealed it to me just when I needed it: Life is a gift. Focus on the positive.
There are plenty of people in my life who don't give me the time of day. They make it a point to tell me that it is 'difficult to be around you' and talk about my bad moods, etc. They ignorantly tell me to 'get out more'--not knowing that if I could, I would--DUH! Although I no longer have patience for this kind of behavior anymore, I forgive them, and I thank God that they know nothing of the pain that I am going through. They may have forsaken me, but that's not my problem. It's not even my business, really. What others' think and/or feel about me is not my business.
I have been blessed with the knowledge and vision that everything, everywhere is Divine, albeit I don't live in this state of unity awareness all the time. Even the greatest sinner has the Light Within, shining brightly--the problem is, they can't see it; they don't know it exists--and that's why they do ungodly things, such as kill, molest, rape, etc. 'Forgive them, they know not what they do.' I say, 'They know not what they are.' I believe when Jesus was on the cross saying "Forgive them, they know not what they do", he was saying--they don't know that My Light is shining right within them. They are ignorant of their own divinity.
Jesus came to Earth not merely to show us that He was God, but to show us that WE, too, are God. We have the eternal flame burning inside every cell of our bodies! The nucleus of every atom in our body throbs, pulses, stating 'The Word' (Om---God!). "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God." The 'Word' was God. In other words, God created sound, and the Sound was God: sound was made of God--and God was in sound. The early Hindus explained it thusly: you have pure gold. You melt the gold and make necklaces, rings, picture frames--heck--even the interior of one of Elvis' Cadillacs. Even though the gold has taken different forms, it's still gold. If you melt down a gold earring, you have pure gold. This is what I believe the author of Genesis was stating when he said "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God": God began creating--and He is in everything He is, and He is in everything He does.
Lest I digress, I must say thank you to everyone who has kept in touch. I will try to hold my head up high--thanks to Dr. Kam Yuen, I can actually hold my head up for up to 5 hours at a time, and he got rid of my stomach spasms and my migraines--I'm going to write an article on him soon. Stay tuned. (If you are in any kind of chronic pain, please click on his name for more information on instant healing. This is no joke--he is the real deal.)
Darkness is ALWAYS dispelled by Light. It can be no other way. If you feel like you can't go on, like you have no purpose in life anymore; if you are on medicine that makes you depressed, or if you feel you aren't getting the support you need, pray for help. Pray for guidance. Reach out to someone in your neighborhood. If you have to, beg for mercy. I begged for God to dispel some of the darkness I was experiencing-- and two days later I happened across the above quote by my beloved spiritual guide. Not to mention the fact that my friend Sally paid for me to have an alternative healing session with a woman named Anne--who in turn sent me to her husband--who in turn introduced me to Master Yuen.
I just thought of a funny image: For the past three weeks I have been feeling as though I was at the absolute end of my rope--and believe me, this is not a place I've been many times before. And then yesterday, something clicked. I found the Gurumayi's quote. I got more insight from Master Yuen. It seemed like the sun came out after a long winter's sleep. I realized that yes, perhaps I was at the end of my rope--but it was then that I realized that I merely had to look up, look around, and I see that there were other ropes to grab hold of. I stopped banging my head against the same wall over and over again (figuratively speaking, of course) and grabbed a different rope; or should I say a different 'life preserver'.
Prayer is so powerful--and I'm not talking about blind faith. You have to believe, you have to know that we (the entire world, universe) is, on some mysterious level, a collective soul. If you ask for help, someone will hear you; something will happen to you that will open your eyes and begin the healing process. Even something as simple as a quote, or as gracious as an email from a Master healer can open your eyes to the beauty of life--and the knowledge that life is precious--and should not be taken for granted.
My love always and forever to Gurumayi Chidvilasananda---the One who gives freely of her love, support, knowledge, and wisdom. I have given her my heart and she has given me the world.
Om Shree Maha Ganapatayi Namaha!
Om Shree Shree Ganesh,
The remover of obstacles.
Go in peace, my friends.
In the famous words of my beloved favorite guitarist (tied in first place with Frank Zappa, of course) STEVE VAI: "Remember: LIFE IS GOOD!'
tags: Jaibhakti, Bhakti Brophy, bhakti, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, Divine Love, quotes, spirituality, steve vai, pain management, Dr Yuen,