LIFE GOES ON...
Well, this is not the topic that I chose to write about today. In fact, I tried to upload 5 new photographs that I took in honor of my great friend from across the pond, SA, a.k.a. 'MILADYSA', but Blogger has failed me. So, instead of not posting anything at all, I posted the first thing that came to mind: and I suppose my health has been on my mind today.
The GOOD news is this: when I thought about the fact that I have borderline Liver damage (I found out all of this 'great' health news via blood work, by the way; except for the bulging discs, which were found via an MRI test), all I could think about was "I don't want to die so young. I don't want to die at all!"
I sat down with this statement in my head, and I must admit, it threw me for a loop! I had been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts (NOT suicidal tendencies--there is a GREAT difference between the two) ever since I have been wrestling with the severe chronic pain condition. Sometimes I just thought there was simply no way I could go to sleep at night knowing I was going to wake up feeling the same pain. Ultimately, not only my faith in, but my knowledge of the Self within saved me from such dark thoughts. Connecting to the Self within (also known, as Sally Kempton points out, as the Buddha Mind, or as I would point out, as 'The Way') is the ONLY way to overcome depression and the only way to get through the darkest hours of our lives. We have to know that there is something greater than our minds that is running the show. We're only the puppets in this here game called life, people. "Believe-me-you", as my elderly first grade teacher used to say.
When I had the thought that I didn't want to die of liver failure, I got out my laptop, lied down on the bed, and just let myself think about what it was that really scared me about the thought of dying of liver failure. What's the difference of dying from spinal disease, dying of old age, or dying of liver failure? I don't think there is a difference, but the thought of dying from liver failure scared the hell out of me.
As I lie on the bed, I let the feeling of fear run throughout my entire body; I knew running from it would make it worse. I wanted to go into the fear and see what it was all about. It truly made no sense to me whatsoever that I should feel such a fear of death; I thought I had dealt with--and gotten over--that fear a long time ago. I was wrong.
When I turned on the computer I immediately turned to my friend Sally Kempton's website (http://www.sallykempton.com/) and just began to navigate my way through her site; I wasn't looking for anything in particular, but Sally tends to be a vehicle in my life that leads me to the answers I am looking for. Ultimately, I wound up reading this kick ass article about loneliness that truly struck a chord with me. It described my experience of loneliness to a T. (In general, I think people fail to realize how lonesome it is to live with a long illness. I believe the deep depression I went through last month had to do with dealing with the loneliness that was crippling me throughout the last year--since my last surgery in November of 2006.) The article also touched on the importance of connecting with the inner Self while dealing with loneliness. As soon as I began to breathe deeply and connect myself with the loving warmth of the Self within, my fear of death literally lifted. It vanished. My fear of dying of liver disease lifted, too. I now know that it truly DOESN'T matter how I die. The point is: DEATH IS INEVITABLE.
CLICK HERE to read Sally's article.
My fear of dying of liver disease was actually my fear of dying in general. My immediate thought was "I don't want to die yet! I haven't accomplished what I wanted to do in this lifetime yet! I haven't served the world enough! I haven't been able to show my good heart to the world!" That wasn't coming from an ego point of view, it was sincere and was coming from my heart. Albeit, it was still fear of death.
Once I read Sally's article and established myself in the Self--i.e. once I let myself dissolve in the Ocean of Love also known as Pure Consciousness (the Self/Buddha Nature), I rested easy knowing that whenever I die will be the right time for me to die. If I die young, perhaps that's because God has other things in store for me than what I think He has in store for me in this lifetime. It's not my call--that's GOD territory. GOD, of course, being another name for the Self within.
With much love, I pray you all know that I miss you, my blogger friends, and I hope you leave a comment so we can converse again, just like we used to in the olden days. ;)
tags: Jaibhakti, Bhakti Brophy, Sally Kempton, the Self, Buddha Nature, severe chronic pain,