There is a Light...
Fear is real.
Fear is not real.
Anger is real.
Anger is not real.
Love is real.
Your Light is always on.
Leave your ego beside the threshold
of the door...
I beg you...
Put your Heart above your mind--
That which sustains you;
and Loves you!
It is all I ask of you.
Find your Self
and your work here is done.
--Bhakti Brophy 10/21/10
It has been a long time since my last post: I have missed the Blogosphere, to be sure. Unfortunately, the past two years have been rather hell-ish. I do loathe using the word "hell"; here I am using it to mean I was going through the most trying of trials--physical pain beyond belief, and I also was bedridden about 85-95% of the time. This messed with my body in a way that it never had before: being unable to walk around--well, you know the phrase, use it or lose it.
This past July 4th weekend I had experienced the worst physical pain in my entire life (and you all know how much I have endured already). I had a migraine headache that lasted about 4 days. I had my head covered to block any light from my eyes, and I spent the days using earplugs to drown out any noises. I had had enough. At first I wasn't depressed because I knew that I would make it through, once the migraine passed. But the migraine didn't pass the way it used to. It parked itself right in my left eye socket. At one point I picked up my cell phone and emailed everyone who was able to help me in the past, either by sending me strong energy (Dr. Kam Yuen); doing Reiki on me and sending me strong healing energy (my friend Bobby); or by sending me tsunami strength prayers (my dear friend Sally Kempton).
Bobby got in touch with me and was able to alleviate the migraine. I spent the next two weeks reading Dr. Yuen's books regarding working with and deleting pain from your body and mind. What a lesson! I started talking to Dr. Yuen on the phone. I learned his "method" by taking teleseminars and by talking to him on the phone and by reading his books over and over. My friend Bobby kept in touch and kept my level of energy up.
By the end of July I was walking around WITHOUT MY NECK BRACE ON for the first time in...almost a year. I started making myself walk to the end of the driveway and back (about two car lengths). Finally, I made myself walk around the block (about 1/5 mile). Of course, being me, I did too much too fast and ended back in bed with the pain on the rise.
People often make comments such as, "Why do you do that to yourself? You start feeling a little bit better and then you make yourself worse by doing things."
Personally, I have never understood how anyone could ask that question . I don't think anyone could truly understand WHY I do what I do unless they were in my position. If you live with severe chronic pain--you know what I'm talking about. (Let me give you a gauge on what I mean by "severe" chronic pain. After being hit by a car in 1997, I flew straight up in the air, flipped over in a fetal position, and landed on the lower left side of my lumbar spine. The sciatica I had from that accident was the worst pain I had ever felt, and I thought it was probably "severe" chronic pain. But compared to the pain I live with now, from the crushed nerve roots in my spine, the sciatica is about a 3 on my pain scale, and my pain is relatively an 8-9.)
So, why do I do things when I start to feel a little better?
A) Because I don't want to lose the use of my legs and body.
B) Although I try to make the best of it, by reading and learning and keeping my mind sharp, I cannot stand being in bed anymore.
C) I am an extremely creative person. I wish to be able to go outside and see nature. I love to look at the sky. I find much strength and rejuvenation by going outside and staring at the moon--oh, and it's especially cool when the moon is out during the day!
D) What is the point of having good days if I don't embrace them and make the most out of them?
E) The truth is, from a psychological point of view, when you live with a chronic condition and you are bedridden most of the time, getting a "good" day is such a gift--there is the feeling that one must not squander it; but there is also the fear that "this may be the last 'good' day I am blessed with, so I am going to do everything I can with the time I have!" This is the main reason why so many people who live in severe chronic pain, or any other chronic condition, tend to push themselves too far when we have good days. We're not masochistic...and we're not doing anything wrong by taking advantage of the blessing a good day brings.
I think people who are able to get up everyday and do the things they love (or do things they don't love, but have the ability to get up in the morning) forget what a gift it is. I don't mean this as a judgment. I mean it sincerely. If you spent two years unable to do the things you truly loved, wouldn't you spend every last ounce of energy you had doing something if your body actually decided to function the way it is meant to?
It takes strength to endure. It surely does. And people have called me courageous and inspirational, but the truth is...the Truth is what sustains me. Knowledge of my inner Self. Of course, my Mother and Father--wow, was I blessed with great parents! It is true that my Father had an extremely difficult time dealing with my disability the first two years I was 100% disabled--most likely due to the fact that he watched me build up a photography business and career in NYC and then watched as I lost it after my accident. Then I got back on the horse and got a teaching job four years later, and I lost that due to the Sept. 11th attacks...I think my father was taking his anger out on me. His anger over all of my losses and trials. But I must tell you--I feel it is my duty to tell you--WE HAVE SO MUCH MORE STRENGTH AND COURAGE AND POWER WITHIN OURSELVES THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE! I know this from experience.
I was fortunate enough to have been born innately "spiritual"; by this I mean I have always--since the age of three--been asking questions like, "Who is God?", "Why are we here?", "Who made us?" These questions used to freak my Mom out when I was a youngster!
The Truth is...there IS an answer. And you must find it yourself. No one can give it to you. No one can take it away. It is always present.
As I was stating above, I was fortunate enough to experience this before becoming totally disabled, and this knowledge has served me well. I can go through a day of hell-ish pain and then start reading The Upanishads, or Jesus's words, or I can start to simply focus my attention on my Heart Center. The joy is always there...ALWAYS present underneath the fear, anger, guilt, sadness, happiness, etc.. The joy is ever present--just like the sun.
It always struck me as funny that we say, "The sun is rising," and "The sun is going down." No it's not. We are spinning, not the sun. The sun is ever-present, as seen by it's reflection on the moon.
Your Light is ever-present, too. You have to find it. lt is always on--for as long as you are alive, your Light is shining...and when you die, it will merge with the Greatest Light Of All, like a river merges with the ocean...and you will shine on in Eternity.
You are That.
and Warm Regards,